I Haven’t Forgotten I’m Just Terrible at Everything.

Posted on by Georgia

I know it’s been over a month and I’m supposed to be doing this every week, but I also know that I’m unreliable with these kind of things. So we aren’t going to talk about it.

So over the course of my absence I have wrote a few drafts that I will likely finish and post (including one about the great disaster of our flat Christmas dinner). But until then, here’s an update.

Returning home was great, a day or two was all that was needed in order to actually adjust into the comfort of home, but that brings a bitter sweetness to the experience. Being home has made being back at uni so much harder. In retrospect, being so far away from home that popping back for the weekend is reserved for my birthday, doesn’t help the fact that I’m feeling so much more homesick to the beginning of last term, and sure I love being reunited with my friends and yes I did miss the antics of Cardiff. Yet it still isn’t home.

Perhaps the best thing about being back at uni is the freedom, the ability to go where I want when I want, and the fact that I can get trollied on a Friday night and my parents not find out. I do not however like having to cook again, the fact that my accommodation makes me tear my hair out (more on that in another post) and having no money.

Although for many students the last few weeks have been a hellish nightmare of revision for January exams, as someone who needed to come back two weeks before classes actually started and finished all their one hand ins and one exams in the first week, the prospect of starting lectures again tomorrow morning seems horrifying (reading the powerpoints and module outlines the night before has given me the vague idea that this term is going to be disastrously hard). Oh and I also took up French- lol.

But in true Georgia style it is 3am and rather than have a quiet weekend before returning to regular scheduling I had the most embarrassing and full on week I’ve had since moving here… and that’s including freshers. But again, that deserves to be spoken about at a better time.

Despite its controversy, 2016 was a fantastic year for me. I overcame a lot of personal obstacles and some amazing times and met amazing people ect ect. However, the start to 2017 has me slightly worried that that was me cashing in all my good karma. Someone please pray for me- I’m slightly more than terrified of what’s to come.

Anyway, I should sleep as missing the first lecture of a new module is too embarrassing, even for me. Let’s hope I actually manage to keep this updated this time.

Another 5am Post

Posted on by Georgia

It seems as though posting at a ridiculous time is becoming my thing but it’s ok because being awake at a ridiculous time is pretty much the only thing I can guarantee. In the same style as the last post 4am melt down I had, I’ve procrastinated to an unhealthy extent.

I have 19 words for a 2000 word essay that’s due 3pm Thursday. Today is technically Tuesday.

At this point I’m not entirely sure why I’m doing a degree.

See the issue I have with these essays are the fact that they’re the first pieces of work we’ve had to hand in for these modules and they’re worth 50% of our grade. For someone with anxiety like me, this isn’t desirable.

At the lecture that I slept through today (I have the flu which is unfortunate because I was actually up and ready to go) apparently our lecturer divulged the fact that many of us have in fact failed 50% of that module, we would find out who has suffered that fate on Friday. Very rarely am I this unexcited for a Friday.

I don’t believe that any of these essays have gone too well and maybe it’s the fact that I’ve fallen into bad habits again or maybe because I’ve no idea what kind of standard I should be striving for, at A Level the reassurance of drafts was always calming and the analysis of A* pieces from the year before gave us insight into what we are striving for . Here I feel a bit like I’m banging my head on a keyboard and trying to find words that actually belong to an acknowledged language.

Well long story short, I’m going to not be too disappointed if I fail these first few projects because  they’ll be my first real insight to feedback and where exactly I’m going wrong.

Regardless I’m going to have to sleep at some point before 6am so I might as well call it a night, or day, or maybe not we’ll see.

Until the next time I have nothing that’s truly worth any form of contribution to anything.

It’s 11 days till I come home.

Posted on by Georgia

So the last time I was here I was preparing for the inevitable failure that is my uni career; today I’m still facing this just less… immediate. I’m not actually here today to talk about my academic fate, put rather pondering fitting back into my old life after living here.

I’m only two months into uni, something that’s hard to believe. Not only have the months seemed to fly, but to consider the relationships I’ve built here so far it’s also hard to comprehend it’s only been so little time. But it’s hard to not immediately become attached to people that you now spend the majority of your life 10 meters away from.

Although I’m desperate to return home, to a land of northerners where people can drink more than two drinks before a night out and don’t ponder the accuracy of the grammatical structure of my sentences, where talking to someone new doesn’t lead to the inevitable conversation of “you’re so northern! I love your accent!” (to be perfectly honest here I am both shocked and upset with the sheer concentration of Southerners that live here, in the capital of Wales.) I am slightly worried about coping with no longer being independent.

So far at uni I have very few people to answer to, none of these are my parents or truly care about my social life, so effectively: none. I can leave at 10.30 pm to go fetch the ice cream that’s on offer at the local Tesco, I can nap late at night then watch the bee movie and write essays on Marxism into the early hours of the morning without anyone wondering what I’m doing and why. I can put vodka in my 1.5 liter bottle of Lambrini and encourage my friends to make embarrassments of themselves, knowing that I don’t really have anyone to wake up when I return to the flat. So the idea of going back to the family home, where parental influence is both going to be welcome but also despised, is an interesting thought.

How will I be able to go to sleep without shouting “night, love you” to my flatmate who I can talk through the walls to. Likewise how will I cope when no one talks to me through the wall about their latest snapchat horoscope. I can’t simply shout “We’re getting drunk in the kitchen all are welcome” when a particular event has me stressed and end up paralytic on a Thursday night in the comfort of my own kitchen.

However, as I sit here with a (probably most likely in someway) broken hand, eating my second tin of Christmas Cheesits, I do wish I was home. In the comfort of my bed and my room that will continue to be considered mine despite the fact that for the next year I’ll spend more time in my uni bed than the one at home. Where my mum won’t let me eat junk food constantly just because it’s there and I can and I’m bored. Home to my car and my grandma’s cups of tea, my hideous uniform at my old job and actually earning money again. And a good old proper Spoons night (as in the pub not the utensils).

I think back to the last time I saw my parents and how joining them for a day in the Cotswold’s turned into the better half of a week, how much I miss my little brother and watching Emmerdale with my mum. But also how desperate I was to move away, to get out of my hometown and to finally live only in regards to myself.

So, although it’ll be hard going back to rules and regulation, it’ll also be nice to have someone to drive me to urgent care when my hand goes black because I crushed it on a pole when I was drunk. So maybe I’ll just have to find a compromise with my freedom and FaceTime my southern flatmates to sleep easy at night or when I get lonely in the toliet.

Because it’s 4.40am and I can’t sleep.

Posted on by Georgia

I think the opening line for this post is pretty obvious. It’s 4.40am and I can’t sleep. This isn’t a new development, I’ve had this issue a while but tonight is particularly stressful as I am, myself, stressed.

I was told that uni was going to be hard but I didn’t actually realise it was going to be hard. For someone who applied to university without actually expecting to get in, being at uni is a overwhelming experience. Of course it doesn’t help that my anxiety and paranoid tendencies have me convinced that I am definitely going to fail the year and we are only in the sweet 3rd month of November. Is it even possible to fail this early in the year?

I’d like to say that’s beside the point but it isn’t, this is exactly the point. My fear of failing uni is so great that it is actually causing me to fail uni. I am constantly met with people that are telling me “don’t worry, you only need 40%”, which to many is like being told at A Level you only need an E, but to me it screams: look how badly you’re going to fail.

A large majority of my insecurity surrounding my university career does probably stem from the fact that I don’t actually feel like I belong here. As much as I do love being at university, you have to understand that someone who has felt inadequate pretty much from the age of around 5, actually believing you are worth of accomplishing something is a foreign concept.

I am basically an existence that is made up of lies and false promises to myself.

Yes, I am aware. I am not to blame. I am a mentally ill person who is trying very hard to achieve a healthy mindset, but that’s pretty hard. I completely forgot the toll that starting at uni would take on my mental health and spoiler alert: it wasn’t good.

So here I am, on the verge of a mini breakdown because I have 425 words on a 2000 word essay due in two days, on a topic I’m not even sure fits the question. Completely unable to make coherent sentences that are worth anything to anyone. It’s now 4.53am and the likely hood I’ll actually be awake for my lecture tomorrow is slim, which will add to the paranoia and the anxiety, which will make it harder for it to write the essay… you get the idea of the cycle that my current state is in.

At this point I want to flee home, but I’ve found that I’m stubborn about quitting and also, I just got a £1000 grant so maybe I’ll stick the year out and see how I go.

This pretty much conclude’s my now 5am ramble. If anyone has any ideas on how the 1978 movie Grease enforces sexism and patriarchal ideaology (specific to hegemony) please do hit me up.

Here We Go.

Posted on by Georgia

So basically I’m a 19 year old student in her first year of University. I’ve decided to write this blog entailing the typical world of a student like me (or student in general) just because, well why not… I’m studying journalism so aren’t I supposed to do this kind of thing?

In all honestly this blog will no doubt focus mostly on struggles that I face due to my current situation both mentally and financially, as well as the odd tale of a typical uni student.

I guess I hope you enjoy, but not too much because some of this will be detailing my misery and that’s just kinda wrong.

-Georgia